1. Don't take life for granted, be thankful each day living on a fresh new start. Don’t be held back by what happened yesterday, the day before, the week before, the year before, and so on.
2. Be true to who you are. Stop trying to control and please other people or be someone else. Control and please yourself by becoming the 'best' person you can be! It’s better to be an original 'good' version of yourself than an exact duplicate of someone else.
3. Quit complaining. Don’t be like the howling dog, always howling and never doing anything. Stop complaining about your problems and work on them instead.
4. Be proactive and keep it moving. Stop waiting for others around you to do something and take action yourself instead; don't get stuck in your own way!
5. Rather than think “what if”, think “next time”. Don’t think about things you can’t change (namely what has happened and thoughts of other people) or unhappy things because these are disempowering. Instead focus on the things you can take action on. That’s the most constructive thing you can do in any situation.
6. Focus on WHAT vs. How. Focus on WHAT you want first, before you think about HOW to do it. Anything is possible, as long as you set your mind, heart, and soul to it through being committed, consistent, and persistent.
7. Create your own opportunities. You can wait forever for opportunities to drop into your life or you can go out there and create your own opportunities; be self-motivated and self-reliant!
8. Live more consciously each day and be open-minded. Stop sleepwalking through life with a closed-mind. Your life is something to be understood, experienced, developed; and not living statically nor coasting through life on automatic filled with assumptions, prejudices, and stereotypes.
9. Be committed to your health (good nutrition and exercise); being healthy is a major way that you show you love yourself.
10. Know your self - strengths and weaknesses. Practice daily self-reflection, self-examination, self-criticism, and self-correction. This also means knowing who you are and what you represent. Be clear of your personal identity.
11. Discover your life purpose. Set the mission statement for your life; one that will drive you to be fulfilled in life.
12. Live in alignment with your purpose. What can you start doing immediately that will let you live 100% in alignment with your purpose? How can you live true to your purpose within every context/situation/environment you are in, every second of the day?
13. Set your life commandments. Define your personal commandments to live your best life. What adages and principles do you want to follow in your life?
14. Discover your values. Values are the essence of what makes you; they are what’s most important to you, what you cherish! Some values may have to be re-prioritized and clarified time to time.
15. Hold yourself to the highest conduct. Every one of us have our own set of ethics, principles, and moral codes. Live true to them every day!
16. Design your ideal life including embracing change. What is your ideal life? What is the life that will make you the best person you can be? Understand the major changes in your life without denial and the necessary psychological transitions you have to make.
17. Stop putting your life on hold. Are you putting any parts of your life on hold? What is one area of your life you have been putting off/avoiding/denying? Uncover it and start working on it. A life postponed is a life denied!
18. Create your life handbook. Your life handbook is your life-long personal manual to live your best life – from your mission statement, your values, your long-term goals, short-term goals, personal strengths, blind spots to address, plans, among others. Create your book first then build on from there.
19. Set your goals. After you design your ideal life, set your 5-year, 3-year and 1-year goals. The more specific your goals, the better!
20. Take action on your goals. Create an action plan with your strategy, plan, and immediate next steps.
21. Be positive! Is the glass half empty or half full? How about neither? It’s actually all full - the bottom half is water and the top half is air. It’s all a matter of perception. Take on empowering perceptions, not those that limit and bind you. Purge unnecessary negative thoughts and emotional baggage from your life. You don't have the right to dump your personal garbage on others!
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Plugging Energy Leaks That Hold You Back
by Lee Milteer
The problem isn’t just our life style; it’s also how we use our existing life energy. We all have something I call energy leaks - those self-defeating behaviors that drain our energy by creating anxiety. Energy leaks occur when we use our mental or emotional energy on our thoughts, worries, doubts, fears, and grudges.
When we cannot maintain our energy level, we cannot learn new skills, adapt to new procedures, and assimilate changing directions. An energy leak that almost everyone has is wasting life by trying to live in the past or the future.
How many times have you caught yourself saying things like: I can’t wait till 5 o’clock, I can’t wait ‘till Friday, ‘till my vacation, ‘till I get married, ‘till the kids get in school? When we daydream of the future or spend a lot of time comparing how the past was better, we are actually stealing from our current life energy to be in the present.
Have you ever caught yourself thinking: Things used to be so much better; being a kid was so great, when I was younger? The problem in doing this is that you’re stealing from the one true resource that can’t be replaced - Now. All you have is this moment in time. Our present time is so precious, yet we act as if it were okay to waste the only thing you really own in life: the present.
Your time and energy should be at the top of your list of most precious resources. It’s the steps you take in the present which will allow you to manifest whatever it is that you want in your future. The bottom line is your point of power is always in the resent.
EXCESS BAGGAGE
A most damaging energy leak is holding on to angry feelings—bearing a grudge. As an example, Tammy is a friend of mine; she and her husband had just moved into their first home when she found out she was expecting their first child. The new house needed a complete paint job, so Tammy’s father offered to come over and help her paint.
After two weeks of hard work in close quarters, Tammy and her father began to get on each other’s nerves. One day they had a raging fight where both of them said some very nasty things to each other. Her father ultimately left the house angry and refused to come back and finish painting.
They haven’t spoken to each other since the big blowup, leaving Tammy so upset that she bursts into tears at the mere thought of her father. Tammy’s husband wants her to call her father for a reconciliation, but she remains adamant that it’s his place to call her.
After all, she is expecting her first child, and he deserted her in the middle of this huge painting job, even though she recognizes the blow up was really over a misunderstanding and nothing to argue about. She stubbornly maintains that she is right. The problem here is that she would rather be right than have peace in her family and this energy leak of worrying about the rift in her family is creating unhappiness for her.
No matter who you are, you have some type of similar story from your own life. So many times, we hold onto our righteous feelings, even when it hurts us. We are too stubborn to give in and admit that we are 50 percent of the problem. The amount of life energy that is consumed by clinging to who is right drains us from seeing other solutions and reconciling with the people we care about.
WORRY LEAKS
Worry is a useless emotion. Since your brain doesn’t have enough information to worry accurately, you’re making it up, and most likely, it’s 100 percent worse than reality could ever be. If you have unhealthy emotions of imagined fears or worry, the body responds with a tense feeling of nervousness, stress-related illness, fatigue, lack of energy, and loss of creativity.
Ever heard this saying “the fearful die a thousand deaths, the brave only one”? When you live under fear of what might happen, you are so physically exhausted that you are unable to be creative and cope with normal challenges or emergencies that might happen. Make a vow to yourself today to cross a bridge only as you come to it.
You must take back your power in life by staying in the present and dealing with the realities. You are not a victim of circumstance; you make your own internal environment. You are the creator of your life by your thoughts and actions.
Your subconscious mind will produce whatever you ask for; just as a computer doesn’t care what information you put in, it will act on that information. We must stop letting worry control us.
Samuel Johnson observed: “The fountain of content must spring up in the mind, and he who hath so little knowledge of human nature as to seek happiness by changing anything but his own disposition, will waste his life in fruitless efforts and multiply the grief he proposes to remove.”
GUILT LEAKS
Our society has conditioned us to feel guilty. It’s a learned emotional response. We have been taught to believe that if you feel guilty, it shows that you’re a good person who cares. Guilt is a neurotic behavior that our society has come to accept as normal. It has nothing to do with caring. It’s pure manipulation to control other people.
Since the pain of guilt makes us feel so bad, we will do just about anything to please others so we do not have to feel guilty. By feeling guilty in an attempt to show that we are sorry for our actions and really care, we are in reality simply getting into a very un-resourceful state of mind and beating ourselves up in an attempt to change what is now history.
The past is a locked door, and whatever occurred cannot be changed. Your regret doesn’t make things any better. Feeling guilty has never fixed any problem. Guilt simply holds you prisoner of the past and immobilizes you from taking resourceful action in the present.
The more you dwell in the guilty state of mind, the less creative you can be in dealing with your responsibilities of the present. Now is all you have in life the future is created by the choices and steps you take today. We choose how to use our life energy.
To really be a fully functioning person, you must learn from the past, not whip yourself because of it. Mistakes should be treated like a speck of dust in the eye: you identify the problem; instead of condemning yourself or feeling guilty for having it, you quite simply just get rid of it. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be free from the problem.
GRUDGE RELEASE LEVERS
Many people ask how it could be in our best interest to forgive someone who has betrayed, humiliated, abused, or rejected us? Over the centuries, religious leaders have counseled us to turn the other cheek; today’s mental health professionals emphasize that forgiveness implies that you’re responsible for your own emotional needs.
Since you only have so much mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional life energy, if you spend it holding onto negative or angry feelings, whom do you really hurt. Yourself, of course.
When you are plotting revenge, going over what you would like to say in your mind, you drain positive creative energy that could be used in a more resourceful way, such as getting some projects done or having fun.
You never hurt the person you are holding the grudge against. You end up hurting only yourself because of the time and energy wasted. Food for thought - is it possible to reframe this situation in your mind?
Remembering that people do the best they can with the knowledge they have, you can choose to forgive them. That doesn’t mean you agree with what they did. Maybe the bottom line is that they didn’t really mean to hurt you.
According to Sidney and Suzanne Simon’s book, Forgiveness: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Get on with Your Life, “Forgiveness is a by-product of a long process of healing, and only after you acknowledge, work through, and let go of hurt can you lead a full life.”
They went on to say, “Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning what someone did, or forgetting it, or absolving that person from responsibility. Forgiveness doesn’t mean they get off scot-free. It means you get off scot-free: you do it for yourself.”
To forgive someone doesn’t mean you have to write or call or even go to see them. All you have to do is forgive and release them in your mind. Every time you think of that person, do a pattern-interrupt on yourself and say to yourself that you forgive and release them, and then send them positive thoughts.
The advantage of using this type of approach is that the next time you see them or someone else brings up their name, you’ll no longer have that negative emotional reaction. You’ve raised your standards of living and given yourself the leverage to create emotional management for yourself; you achieve this by forgiving them and letting go of the emotional baggage you’ve been carrying that needlessly drains you of energy.
According to mental-health professionals, taking responsibility for your own feelings by choosing to forgive can boost your self-esteem and your ability to feel in control of your destiny. Studies have shown that when people are able to forgive and let go of their hurt and/or anger, it can open the way to resolving seemingly unconnected problems such as compulsive overeating, drugs, alcohol abuse, and depression.
You have everything to gain and nothing to lose but self-pity, anger, and resentment if you give yourself permission to forgive and release. Being 100 percent responsible for yourself extracts you from the perspective of being a victim. The act of forgiveness gives you the peace of mind. I love the old saying, “The best revenge is living well!”
FORGIVE YOURSELF
We are really toughest on ourselves and usually expect to be perfect. If you live your present life by comparing yourself to the mistakes of the past, you only undermine your confidence level. What you focus on expands for you. If you focus on and relive your mistakes or failures, you are simply reinforcing why you cannot succeed in the present. Never reinforce the negative! Instead, spend your life energy focusing on what you can do.
Everyone has a few skeletons in their closets. When I look back on some of my mistakes, recalling the times I’ve hurt people and said or done the wrong thing, I have to acknowledge that I was doing the best I could at the time with my knowledge, skills, and resources. It’s clear I made mistakes,but I can’t continue beating myself up in the present, futilely attempting to change history with my bad feelings or guilt.
I must have the courage to face myself, accept the learning experience, and move on. I also want to remind you that your entire life will be a matter of making mistakes and failing from time to time. The point is to forgive yourself, learn the valuable information, and move on. This one act of releasing the past, and not letting it use up any more of your life energy, will free you to be more at peace with yourself.
Releasing that stored-up negative energy that has been clogging up your system will open your creative channels of energy to become more productive.
The problem isn’t just our life style; it’s also how we use our existing life energy. We all have something I call energy leaks - those self-defeating behaviors that drain our energy by creating anxiety. Energy leaks occur when we use our mental or emotional energy on our thoughts, worries, doubts, fears, and grudges.
When we cannot maintain our energy level, we cannot learn new skills, adapt to new procedures, and assimilate changing directions. An energy leak that almost everyone has is wasting life by trying to live in the past or the future.
How many times have you caught yourself saying things like: I can’t wait till 5 o’clock, I can’t wait ‘till Friday, ‘till my vacation, ‘till I get married, ‘till the kids get in school? When we daydream of the future or spend a lot of time comparing how the past was better, we are actually stealing from our current life energy to be in the present.
Have you ever caught yourself thinking: Things used to be so much better; being a kid was so great, when I was younger? The problem in doing this is that you’re stealing from the one true resource that can’t be replaced - Now. All you have is this moment in time. Our present time is so precious, yet we act as if it were okay to waste the only thing you really own in life: the present.
Your time and energy should be at the top of your list of most precious resources. It’s the steps you take in the present which will allow you to manifest whatever it is that you want in your future. The bottom line is your point of power is always in the resent.
EXCESS BAGGAGE
A most damaging energy leak is holding on to angry feelings—bearing a grudge. As an example, Tammy is a friend of mine; she and her husband had just moved into their first home when she found out she was expecting their first child. The new house needed a complete paint job, so Tammy’s father offered to come over and help her paint.
After two weeks of hard work in close quarters, Tammy and her father began to get on each other’s nerves. One day they had a raging fight where both of them said some very nasty things to each other. Her father ultimately left the house angry and refused to come back and finish painting.
They haven’t spoken to each other since the big blowup, leaving Tammy so upset that she bursts into tears at the mere thought of her father. Tammy’s husband wants her to call her father for a reconciliation, but she remains adamant that it’s his place to call her.
After all, she is expecting her first child, and he deserted her in the middle of this huge painting job, even though she recognizes the blow up was really over a misunderstanding and nothing to argue about. She stubbornly maintains that she is right. The problem here is that she would rather be right than have peace in her family and this energy leak of worrying about the rift in her family is creating unhappiness for her.
No matter who you are, you have some type of similar story from your own life. So many times, we hold onto our righteous feelings, even when it hurts us. We are too stubborn to give in and admit that we are 50 percent of the problem. The amount of life energy that is consumed by clinging to who is right drains us from seeing other solutions and reconciling with the people we care about.
WORRY LEAKS
Worry is a useless emotion. Since your brain doesn’t have enough information to worry accurately, you’re making it up, and most likely, it’s 100 percent worse than reality could ever be. If you have unhealthy emotions of imagined fears or worry, the body responds with a tense feeling of nervousness, stress-related illness, fatigue, lack of energy, and loss of creativity.
Ever heard this saying “the fearful die a thousand deaths, the brave only one”? When you live under fear of what might happen, you are so physically exhausted that you are unable to be creative and cope with normal challenges or emergencies that might happen. Make a vow to yourself today to cross a bridge only as you come to it.
You must take back your power in life by staying in the present and dealing with the realities. You are not a victim of circumstance; you make your own internal environment. You are the creator of your life by your thoughts and actions.
Your subconscious mind will produce whatever you ask for; just as a computer doesn’t care what information you put in, it will act on that information. We must stop letting worry control us.
Samuel Johnson observed: “The fountain of content must spring up in the mind, and he who hath so little knowledge of human nature as to seek happiness by changing anything but his own disposition, will waste his life in fruitless efforts and multiply the grief he proposes to remove.”
GUILT LEAKS
Our society has conditioned us to feel guilty. It’s a learned emotional response. We have been taught to believe that if you feel guilty, it shows that you’re a good person who cares. Guilt is a neurotic behavior that our society has come to accept as normal. It has nothing to do with caring. It’s pure manipulation to control other people.
Since the pain of guilt makes us feel so bad, we will do just about anything to please others so we do not have to feel guilty. By feeling guilty in an attempt to show that we are sorry for our actions and really care, we are in reality simply getting into a very un-resourceful state of mind and beating ourselves up in an attempt to change what is now history.
The past is a locked door, and whatever occurred cannot be changed. Your regret doesn’t make things any better. Feeling guilty has never fixed any problem. Guilt simply holds you prisoner of the past and immobilizes you from taking resourceful action in the present.
The more you dwell in the guilty state of mind, the less creative you can be in dealing with your responsibilities of the present. Now is all you have in life the future is created by the choices and steps you take today. We choose how to use our life energy.
To really be a fully functioning person, you must learn from the past, not whip yourself because of it. Mistakes should be treated like a speck of dust in the eye: you identify the problem; instead of condemning yourself or feeling guilty for having it, you quite simply just get rid of it. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be free from the problem.
GRUDGE RELEASE LEVERS
Many people ask how it could be in our best interest to forgive someone who has betrayed, humiliated, abused, or rejected us? Over the centuries, religious leaders have counseled us to turn the other cheek; today’s mental health professionals emphasize that forgiveness implies that you’re responsible for your own emotional needs.
Since you only have so much mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional life energy, if you spend it holding onto negative or angry feelings, whom do you really hurt. Yourself, of course.
When you are plotting revenge, going over what you would like to say in your mind, you drain positive creative energy that could be used in a more resourceful way, such as getting some projects done or having fun.
You never hurt the person you are holding the grudge against. You end up hurting only yourself because of the time and energy wasted. Food for thought - is it possible to reframe this situation in your mind?
Remembering that people do the best they can with the knowledge they have, you can choose to forgive them. That doesn’t mean you agree with what they did. Maybe the bottom line is that they didn’t really mean to hurt you.
According to Sidney and Suzanne Simon’s book, Forgiveness: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Get on with Your Life, “Forgiveness is a by-product of a long process of healing, and only after you acknowledge, work through, and let go of hurt can you lead a full life.”
They went on to say, “Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning what someone did, or forgetting it, or absolving that person from responsibility. Forgiveness doesn’t mean they get off scot-free. It means you get off scot-free: you do it for yourself.”
To forgive someone doesn’t mean you have to write or call or even go to see them. All you have to do is forgive and release them in your mind. Every time you think of that person, do a pattern-interrupt on yourself and say to yourself that you forgive and release them, and then send them positive thoughts.
The advantage of using this type of approach is that the next time you see them or someone else brings up their name, you’ll no longer have that negative emotional reaction. You’ve raised your standards of living and given yourself the leverage to create emotional management for yourself; you achieve this by forgiving them and letting go of the emotional baggage you’ve been carrying that needlessly drains you of energy.
According to mental-health professionals, taking responsibility for your own feelings by choosing to forgive can boost your self-esteem and your ability to feel in control of your destiny. Studies have shown that when people are able to forgive and let go of their hurt and/or anger, it can open the way to resolving seemingly unconnected problems such as compulsive overeating, drugs, alcohol abuse, and depression.
You have everything to gain and nothing to lose but self-pity, anger, and resentment if you give yourself permission to forgive and release. Being 100 percent responsible for yourself extracts you from the perspective of being a victim. The act of forgiveness gives you the peace of mind. I love the old saying, “The best revenge is living well!”
FORGIVE YOURSELF
We are really toughest on ourselves and usually expect to be perfect. If you live your present life by comparing yourself to the mistakes of the past, you only undermine your confidence level. What you focus on expands for you. If you focus on and relive your mistakes or failures, you are simply reinforcing why you cannot succeed in the present. Never reinforce the negative! Instead, spend your life energy focusing on what you can do.
Everyone has a few skeletons in their closets. When I look back on some of my mistakes, recalling the times I’ve hurt people and said or done the wrong thing, I have to acknowledge that I was doing the best I could at the time with my knowledge, skills, and resources. It’s clear I made mistakes,but I can’t continue beating myself up in the present, futilely attempting to change history with my bad feelings or guilt.
I must have the courage to face myself, accept the learning experience, and move on. I also want to remind you that your entire life will be a matter of making mistakes and failing from time to time. The point is to forgive yourself, learn the valuable information, and move on. This one act of releasing the past, and not letting it use up any more of your life energy, will free you to be more at peace with yourself.
Releasing that stored-up negative energy that has been clogging up your system will open your creative channels of energy to become more productive.
Seasons of Life
by Chogyam Trungpa
There are seasons in life in the same way as there are seasons in nature. There are times to cultivate and create, when you nurture your world and give birth to new ideas and ventures.
There are times of flourishing and abundance, when life feels in full bloom, energized, and expanding. And there are times of fruition, when things come to an end. They have reached their climax and must be harvested before they begin to fade.
And finally, of course, there are times that are cold and cutting and empty, times when the spring of new beginnings seems like a distant dream. Those rhythms in life are natural events. They weave into one another as day follows night, bringing, not messages of hope and fear, but messages of how things really are.
If you realize that each phase of your life is a natural occurrence, then you need not be swayed, pushed up and down by the changes in circumstance and mood that life brings.
There are seasons in life in the same way as there are seasons in nature. There are times to cultivate and create, when you nurture your world and give birth to new ideas and ventures.
There are times of flourishing and abundance, when life feels in full bloom, energized, and expanding. And there are times of fruition, when things come to an end. They have reached their climax and must be harvested before they begin to fade.
And finally, of course, there are times that are cold and cutting and empty, times when the spring of new beginnings seems like a distant dream. Those rhythms in life are natural events. They weave into one another as day follows night, bringing, not messages of hope and fear, but messages of how things really are.
If you realize that each phase of your life is a natural occurrence, then you need not be swayed, pushed up and down by the changes in circumstance and mood that life brings.
Who am I?
We are not stories! Yet when we ask the question “Who am I?” we most commonly answer by giving a story, i.e. “I am a good person,” “I am shy,” “I am different than others.”
We are not our attachments! “My relationship gives me meaning,” “My children make my life worthwhile,” “My work gives me purpose,” “I can’t live without you.” We are not somebody in comparison to someone else! “I am less intelligent than you,” “My life is more interesting than yours,” “You are more talented than I.”
We are not our defenses! “I won’t let you in because you might hurt me,” “I won’t show how much I care because I might cry,” “I can’t bear to feel your heartache,” “I can’t forgive what they did.”
The egoic mind both efforts and delights in labeling, categorizing, and judging. From these workings of the mind we develop stories about how things are. We then superimpose identity onto our stories, believing the activity of the mind is who we are. From our focus on the creations of the mind we become distracted from realizing the truth of who we are.
Spiritual inquiry is a way to bring about profound change of heart, it helps us to recognize the attempts of the mind to categorize us as autonomous. Inquiry also helps us to recognize the truth that we are inescapably united to “what is.”
Spiritual inquiry helps us to recognize our ultimate identity without the labels that make us distinct.We know we are alive when we reside in the present moment—breathing, feeling, experiencing, allowing, and being intimate with “what is.”
The immediacy is here now, as we experience life as it arises, when it arises. Our mind clings to its efforts to define who we are and reacts to immediate experience with thought. Thought orients us to the future and the past. In doing so, it acts as a filter from what is real and diminishes our inner peace.
The mind shrinks from “what is” by comparing it to the past. It notes that life is not as it was a moment or a year ago. It has preferences and likes some experiences better than others. So it screens life experiences as better or worse, compared to what was previously. The very act of the mind doing so disconnects us from “the now” and we lose our experience of contentedness.
The mind draws away from “what is” by contrasting it to some imaginary future. It notes that life is not as it desires it to be. It says “I will be happy when things are the way I want them to be!” In doing so, the mind distances us from “the present.”
Identified in egoic stories we are a step ahead (or a step behind) of ourselves in some illusory state of being and are detached from “the present” moment. Inner peace comes from utterly accepting the movement of life as it flows through us. This includes the radical acceptance of our body sensations, our emotional currents and the events around us.
When there is no disconnect there is no mental-made suffering caused by the reactions of the mind. When we see through the mind we become less reactive to life as it is, we remain aware and know who we are.
We are vastly more than who we think we are. Our minds simply cannot conceive of our essential nature. As we mature from child to adult we form our sense of self around stories and experiences.
During these formative years, these stories become the structure of our identity. The process of identity formation is natural, but unconscious, causing us to wander through life assuming that the core stories we tell ourselves are true.
Unwittingly, we believe falsehoods, inaccuracies and lies to be who we are! This is what is referred to as egoic identity, or the false self.Any story that we create to describe who we are is only a story, not the truth. The ego clings to its stories desperately, presuming, that if it lets go, our lives will collapse into chaos.
The ego fears if we relax the mental structures that control our lives we will fall apart. So the ego clings to the old ways of being that have held life in place. In reality, when we surrender; letting go of trying to control, letting go of the shoulds, the expectations, the aversions, and desires—we are left with the essence of being.
When we let go of trying to prove ourselves and trying to support the stories of identity, we are liberated from the false sense of self and are left with a felt sense of deep inner peace, kindness and compassion.
When we let go of the story of identity we reside in the “now” of reality, feeling aliveness and presence. Examining the essence of “who we are” and “who we are not” requires courage.
The burning, yearning desire to know who we are provides the courage to face the fear that we will disintegrate, die or dissolve. Ironically, it is the same fear that keeps us from living fully in the present.
Letting go, at first, usually brings up tremendous anxiety and fear. Breathing and trusting the mystery of life, we find a way to allow fear and surrender into “what is.”
When we let go, a change of heart happens and everything becomes profoundly different than it was before, life becomes infused with the experience of freedom and joy.
One of the ways to move toward “letting go” is by inquiry into questions like “Who am I?” One of the easiest ways to approach this question is to explore who we are not.
We are not the core stories we unconsciously form identity around. By making the core stories more conscious something softens and we begin to sense into the presence and spaciousness of who we truly are.
Core stories are developed early in life. They are formed around two themes; Am I loveable? Am I competent? Or, I am “Not quite good enough,” “Not lovable,” “Not worthy,” “Not belonging” as if we are inherently flawed.
Believing we are “Not right” we inevitably go about trying to control, contain, prove, earn, master, please, keep safe and attempt to control ourselves and others through our ideas.
We are not our attachments! “My relationship gives me meaning,” “My children make my life worthwhile,” “My work gives me purpose,” “I can’t live without you.” We are not somebody in comparison to someone else! “I am less intelligent than you,” “My life is more interesting than yours,” “You are more talented than I.”
We are not our defenses! “I won’t let you in because you might hurt me,” “I won’t show how much I care because I might cry,” “I can’t bear to feel your heartache,” “I can’t forgive what they did.”
The egoic mind both efforts and delights in labeling, categorizing, and judging. From these workings of the mind we develop stories about how things are. We then superimpose identity onto our stories, believing the activity of the mind is who we are. From our focus on the creations of the mind we become distracted from realizing the truth of who we are.
Spiritual inquiry is a way to bring about profound change of heart, it helps us to recognize the attempts of the mind to categorize us as autonomous. Inquiry also helps us to recognize the truth that we are inescapably united to “what is.”
Spiritual inquiry helps us to recognize our ultimate identity without the labels that make us distinct.We know we are alive when we reside in the present moment—breathing, feeling, experiencing, allowing, and being intimate with “what is.”
The immediacy is here now, as we experience life as it arises, when it arises. Our mind clings to its efforts to define who we are and reacts to immediate experience with thought. Thought orients us to the future and the past. In doing so, it acts as a filter from what is real and diminishes our inner peace.
The mind shrinks from “what is” by comparing it to the past. It notes that life is not as it was a moment or a year ago. It has preferences and likes some experiences better than others. So it screens life experiences as better or worse, compared to what was previously. The very act of the mind doing so disconnects us from “the now” and we lose our experience of contentedness.
The mind draws away from “what is” by contrasting it to some imaginary future. It notes that life is not as it desires it to be. It says “I will be happy when things are the way I want them to be!” In doing so, the mind distances us from “the present.”
Identified in egoic stories we are a step ahead (or a step behind) of ourselves in some illusory state of being and are detached from “the present” moment. Inner peace comes from utterly accepting the movement of life as it flows through us. This includes the radical acceptance of our body sensations, our emotional currents and the events around us.
When there is no disconnect there is no mental-made suffering caused by the reactions of the mind. When we see through the mind we become less reactive to life as it is, we remain aware and know who we are.
We are vastly more than who we think we are. Our minds simply cannot conceive of our essential nature. As we mature from child to adult we form our sense of self around stories and experiences.
During these formative years, these stories become the structure of our identity. The process of identity formation is natural, but unconscious, causing us to wander through life assuming that the core stories we tell ourselves are true.
Unwittingly, we believe falsehoods, inaccuracies and lies to be who we are! This is what is referred to as egoic identity, or the false self.Any story that we create to describe who we are is only a story, not the truth. The ego clings to its stories desperately, presuming, that if it lets go, our lives will collapse into chaos.
The ego fears if we relax the mental structures that control our lives we will fall apart. So the ego clings to the old ways of being that have held life in place. In reality, when we surrender; letting go of trying to control, letting go of the shoulds, the expectations, the aversions, and desires—we are left with the essence of being.
When we let go of trying to prove ourselves and trying to support the stories of identity, we are liberated from the false sense of self and are left with a felt sense of deep inner peace, kindness and compassion.
When we let go of the story of identity we reside in the “now” of reality, feeling aliveness and presence. Examining the essence of “who we are” and “who we are not” requires courage.
The burning, yearning desire to know who we are provides the courage to face the fear that we will disintegrate, die or dissolve. Ironically, it is the same fear that keeps us from living fully in the present.
Letting go, at first, usually brings up tremendous anxiety and fear. Breathing and trusting the mystery of life, we find a way to allow fear and surrender into “what is.”
When we let go, a change of heart happens and everything becomes profoundly different than it was before, life becomes infused with the experience of freedom and joy.
One of the ways to move toward “letting go” is by inquiry into questions like “Who am I?” One of the easiest ways to approach this question is to explore who we are not.
We are not the core stories we unconsciously form identity around. By making the core stories more conscious something softens and we begin to sense into the presence and spaciousness of who we truly are.
Core stories are developed early in life. They are formed around two themes; Am I loveable? Am I competent? Or, I am “Not quite good enough,” “Not lovable,” “Not worthy,” “Not belonging” as if we are inherently flawed.
Believing we are “Not right” we inevitably go about trying to control, contain, prove, earn, master, please, keep safe and attempt to control ourselves and others through our ideas.
How Shall I Live, Knowing I Will Die?
Knowing that the duration of life is limited, that we are going to die, an important question to ask is “do we want to live habitually, mechanically, automatically, not questioning—in many ways being “a chip off the old block?”
Carrying old ideas about who we are, the ways we are supposed to be, or not be, drive us to live stale and stagnate lives. We are strongly influenced by family, church, school, community and culture and it is difficult to sort out who we really are versus who we think we are when we try to fit into society.
So the question “how shall I live” begins to examine all the unquestioned assumptions that drive or motive our choices and lifestyles.
Our acquired personality, the one we arrive into adulthood with, is built around sets of expectations and assumptions about how we are supposed to be as men and women. We can most easily access these subconscious forces by addressing the shoulds of our lives.
If we want freedom and more capacity to be responsive and creative with life, we need to open up the layers of the personality that cover or mask our true nature.
The truth is, we are living our dying all the time. We die continuously to who we were yesterday—we die to youth, inexperience, career successes, failures, parenting, lifestyles and situations. This ongoing death of external circumstances shows us that what we experience and think are transient and not who we truly are.
Who we think we are may be expressions of the shoulds, expectations, and compiled stories about life that we arrived into adult life with. Often unconscious, these mental constructs motivate how we live and are disconnected to the deeper currents of our essence.
Caught up in the whirl of the outer world, it is easy to forget what is true to who we really are. Life is more alive and fulfilling when we live with awareness of our essential self. When live with connection to our essence self we are more at ease and our lives are transformed in ways that reflect our inner nature—we become who we truly are.
The conversation around death helps us to discern what truly matters, what has been lived and not lived and what lives on. A eulogy poignantly brings this into our awareness.
A eulogy becomes a spiritual inquiry as the exploration points to that which is more substantial than superficial, that which is unchanging rather than transient, and that which endures rather than is shed.
Carrying old ideas about who we are, the ways we are supposed to be, or not be, drive us to live stale and stagnate lives. We are strongly influenced by family, church, school, community and culture and it is difficult to sort out who we really are versus who we think we are when we try to fit into society.
So the question “how shall I live” begins to examine all the unquestioned assumptions that drive or motive our choices and lifestyles.
Our acquired personality, the one we arrive into adulthood with, is built around sets of expectations and assumptions about how we are supposed to be as men and women. We can most easily access these subconscious forces by addressing the shoulds of our lives.
If we want freedom and more capacity to be responsive and creative with life, we need to open up the layers of the personality that cover or mask our true nature.
The truth is, we are living our dying all the time. We die continuously to who we were yesterday—we die to youth, inexperience, career successes, failures, parenting, lifestyles and situations. This ongoing death of external circumstances shows us that what we experience and think are transient and not who we truly are.
Who we think we are may be expressions of the shoulds, expectations, and compiled stories about life that we arrived into adult life with. Often unconscious, these mental constructs motivate how we live and are disconnected to the deeper currents of our essence.
Caught up in the whirl of the outer world, it is easy to forget what is true to who we really are. Life is more alive and fulfilling when we live with awareness of our essential self. When live with connection to our essence self we are more at ease and our lives are transformed in ways that reflect our inner nature—we become who we truly are.
The conversation around death helps us to discern what truly matters, what has been lived and not lived and what lives on. A eulogy poignantly brings this into our awareness.
A eulogy becomes a spiritual inquiry as the exploration points to that which is more substantial than superficial, that which is unchanging rather than transient, and that which endures rather than is shed.
What is Life Calling of Me?
In truth, life flows through us, like a river moving toward the sea. It is resistance to the ever present flow of life that causes us to be dissatisfied or frustrated with how life is. When we resist life we shrink from life’s fullness.
Therefore, in contemplating the question “What is life calling of me?” we have to consider how we resist and block life.
Another question associated with “What is life calling of me?” is how can “I” get out of my own way? Getting out of our own way, not hindering the flow of life, connects us to aliveness and presence—it opens us up to a life of fullness. It is not that life calls us to do or be someone, it is more that life beckons us to let go into life—open to the fullness that is always present.
A primary way we struggle with what “is” is through our attachments. Attachments are habits and behaviors that the mind grabs onto as a way to create and support a sense of self. When we put life energy into attachments or aversions we are attempting to control our experience, which is a means of avoiding what is.
Attachments support and defend our habit nature, which in turn makes our living narrow, structured and mechanical. They energetically move us into living through stories, which are stagnant and crystallized ways of being.
Attachments and aversions make our lives heavy and thick, they energetically glob onto our awareness and sidetrack our lives. They take on a life of their own and suck away awareness, vitality and life energy.
Evolution moves us to be ever more conscious; to know who we are, to know that we are already whole, to know ourselves as expressions of the “all,” to know that our worthiness comes from the very fact of our being alive.
Sometimes we get confused about self-esteem, thinking that it is something we acquire or possess, that we have it or do not have it. We think that our good looks, our intelligence, our talents and skills, our accomplishments are ours, a reflection of who we are as an individual identity.
Likewise, we think that lack of physical attractiveness, absence of intellectual brilliance and ordinary careers show that we are insufficient, faulted or mediocre at best.
The truth is that beauty, intelligence, and creativity belong to life itself and are not something our little minds can manufacture. When we recognize that we, as living flesh and bones, are also expressions of the “all,” we realize that we don’t own life and that we can’t claim life as our own.
In reality, we come from infinity which is the essence of our true self esteem. We have indwelling worthiness, just because we are. We see that most clearly through the miracle of birth or witnessing a young infant.Once we utterly realize that we belong here, self-esteem is a non issue and life simply is, as it unfolds.
Therefore, in contemplating the question “What is life calling of me?” we have to consider how we resist and block life.
Another question associated with “What is life calling of me?” is how can “I” get out of my own way? Getting out of our own way, not hindering the flow of life, connects us to aliveness and presence—it opens us up to a life of fullness. It is not that life calls us to do or be someone, it is more that life beckons us to let go into life—open to the fullness that is always present.
A primary way we struggle with what “is” is through our attachments. Attachments are habits and behaviors that the mind grabs onto as a way to create and support a sense of self. When we put life energy into attachments or aversions we are attempting to control our experience, which is a means of avoiding what is.
Attachments support and defend our habit nature, which in turn makes our living narrow, structured and mechanical. They energetically move us into living through stories, which are stagnant and crystallized ways of being.
Attachments and aversions make our lives heavy and thick, they energetically glob onto our awareness and sidetrack our lives. They take on a life of their own and suck away awareness, vitality and life energy.
Evolution moves us to be ever more conscious; to know who we are, to know that we are already whole, to know ourselves as expressions of the “all,” to know that our worthiness comes from the very fact of our being alive.
Sometimes we get confused about self-esteem, thinking that it is something we acquire or possess, that we have it or do not have it. We think that our good looks, our intelligence, our talents and skills, our accomplishments are ours, a reflection of who we are as an individual identity.
Likewise, we think that lack of physical attractiveness, absence of intellectual brilliance and ordinary careers show that we are insufficient, faulted or mediocre at best.
The truth is that beauty, intelligence, and creativity belong to life itself and are not something our little minds can manufacture. When we recognize that we, as living flesh and bones, are also expressions of the “all,” we realize that we don’t own life and that we can’t claim life as our own.
In reality, we come from infinity which is the essence of our true self esteem. We have indwelling worthiness, just because we are. We see that most clearly through the miracle of birth or witnessing a young infant.Once we utterly realize that we belong here, self-esteem is a non issue and life simply is, as it unfolds.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Overcoming Adversity
by Zorka Hereford
Whether we like it or not, adversity is part of life. Overcoming adversity is one of the biggest hurdles we face. As Havelock Ellis wrote, "Pain and death are part of life. To reject them is to reject life itself."
Problems, large and small, present themselves to us throughout our whole existence. Regardless of how sharp, clever, or happy-go-lucky we are, we will encounter struggle, challenges, difficulties and at times, heart wrenching moments.
Is this meant to be a negative, cynical assessment of what we have to look forward to? Not at all! In fact, thank goodness for adversity! Learning to deal with, and overcoming adversity, is what makes us who we are.
Every challenge, every difficulty we successfully confront in life serves to strengthen our will, confidence and ability to conquer future obstacles. Herodotus, the Greek philosopher, said, "Adversity has the effect of drawing out strength and qualities of a man that would have lain dormant in its absence."
When you respond positively and constructively to your biggest challenges, the qualities of strength, courage, character and perseverance emerge from deep inside of you.
Of course, since we are human, it is very easy to get caught up in the self pity, unfairness of life, or 'why me?' trap. When we do, we fail to recognize the opportunities for wisdom and growth that accompany adversity. However, as soon we allow ourselves to think more clearly, we are able to let go of self-defeating and unproductive thoughts and get down to the business of dealing with what's before us.
Tips For Overcoming Adversity
1. Be aware of, and accept that adversity is inevitable in life.
As has already been pointed out, adversity is part of life. To avoid or resist it will only make it persist. Everywhere you look in the world there is unmistakable struggle. There are floods, tsunamis, wars, and calamities of all types. Even within your own circle of family and friends there is death, loss and tragedy. Although pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. So what do you do?
2. Build your internal resources. Before adversity hits, work on cultivating emotional strength, courage and discipline. When you make yourself aware that certain difficulties are inevitable, you can prepare yourself mentally for confronting adversity head-on. It would be no different than a warrior going to battle. He (or she) prepares himself physically and mentally for any possibility. He knows it could be ugly, daunting, and grueling, but he is equipped. More often than not, when you're prepared for the worst, the worst never happens, or it's much less severe than anticipated. Another invaluable inner resource is faith. Faith that everything will work out; faith that there is always light at the end of the tunnel, and faith that "this too shall pass." Everything in life has its place and purpose.
3. Build your external resources. Build a support system of family and friends. When the going gets tough, we all need encouragement and support. We need someone to talk to; someone to help ease the burden. You would be surprised to discover how often a friend has had a similar experience and can help guide you through the difficult time. Even just knowing a friend is there when you need them can be most comforting.
4. That which does not kill you doesn't always make you stronger. Sorry Nietzsche! While I agree with Nietzsche, in principle, that what does not kill you will make you stronger, I do not necessarily agree with him in practice. For instance, if you do not have enough built-up resilience or experience in dealing with difficulty, adversity can crush you. On the other hand, if do you have sufficient resilience, then indeed it will make you stronger. How so, you ask? Resilience like any muscle is built up gradually and exponentially with repeated exposure to obstacles. If you lack practice in confronting obstacles (as when you choose to avoid them), one traumatic event can take you down. To underscore this point, developmental research has shown that traumatized children are more, rather than less, likely to be traumatized again. Likewise, those who grow up in tough neighborhoods become weaker, not stronger, and are more likely to struggle in life.
5. Take inspiration and learn from others who have dealt successfully with adversity. There are many inspiring stories of people who overcame seemingly insurmountable odds. They triumphed over their adversities to live successful, productive lives instead of surrendering to it.
Adversity Points to Consider
*The difficult times in life help us appreciate when things are going smoothly.
*Look for the learning opportunities in every adverse situation.
*Decide whether you will allow your experience to make, or break you. Depending upon how you choose to perceive it, it could go either way.
*Be prepared to accept the worst, should it occur. When you have prepared yourself mentally for the worst, it rarely ever happens, and if it does, it seems less so because you are better equipped to handle it.
*Cultivate faith, courage and resilience. The more of these qualities you arm yourself with, the lesser the impact of the adversity.
*Remind yourself that adversity is part of life. To Accept adversity, helps you overcome it.
Overcoming adversity is one of our main challenges in life. When we resolve to confront and overcome it, we become expert at dealing with it and consequently triumph over our day-to-day struggles.
Whether we like it or not, adversity is part of life. Overcoming adversity is one of the biggest hurdles we face. As Havelock Ellis wrote, "Pain and death are part of life. To reject them is to reject life itself."
Problems, large and small, present themselves to us throughout our whole existence. Regardless of how sharp, clever, or happy-go-lucky we are, we will encounter struggle, challenges, difficulties and at times, heart wrenching moments.
Is this meant to be a negative, cynical assessment of what we have to look forward to? Not at all! In fact, thank goodness for adversity! Learning to deal with, and overcoming adversity, is what makes us who we are.
Every challenge, every difficulty we successfully confront in life serves to strengthen our will, confidence and ability to conquer future obstacles. Herodotus, the Greek philosopher, said, "Adversity has the effect of drawing out strength and qualities of a man that would have lain dormant in its absence."
When you respond positively and constructively to your biggest challenges, the qualities of strength, courage, character and perseverance emerge from deep inside of you.
Of course, since we are human, it is very easy to get caught up in the self pity, unfairness of life, or 'why me?' trap. When we do, we fail to recognize the opportunities for wisdom and growth that accompany adversity. However, as soon we allow ourselves to think more clearly, we are able to let go of self-defeating and unproductive thoughts and get down to the business of dealing with what's before us.
Tips For Overcoming Adversity
1. Be aware of, and accept that adversity is inevitable in life.
As has already been pointed out, adversity is part of life. To avoid or resist it will only make it persist. Everywhere you look in the world there is unmistakable struggle. There are floods, tsunamis, wars, and calamities of all types. Even within your own circle of family and friends there is death, loss and tragedy. Although pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. So what do you do?
2. Build your internal resources. Before adversity hits, work on cultivating emotional strength, courage and discipline. When you make yourself aware that certain difficulties are inevitable, you can prepare yourself mentally for confronting adversity head-on. It would be no different than a warrior going to battle. He (or she) prepares himself physically and mentally for any possibility. He knows it could be ugly, daunting, and grueling, but he is equipped. More often than not, when you're prepared for the worst, the worst never happens, or it's much less severe than anticipated. Another invaluable inner resource is faith. Faith that everything will work out; faith that there is always light at the end of the tunnel, and faith that "this too shall pass." Everything in life has its place and purpose.
3. Build your external resources. Build a support system of family and friends. When the going gets tough, we all need encouragement and support. We need someone to talk to; someone to help ease the burden. You would be surprised to discover how often a friend has had a similar experience and can help guide you through the difficult time. Even just knowing a friend is there when you need them can be most comforting.
4. That which does not kill you doesn't always make you stronger. Sorry Nietzsche! While I agree with Nietzsche, in principle, that what does not kill you will make you stronger, I do not necessarily agree with him in practice. For instance, if you do not have enough built-up resilience or experience in dealing with difficulty, adversity can crush you. On the other hand, if do you have sufficient resilience, then indeed it will make you stronger. How so, you ask? Resilience like any muscle is built up gradually and exponentially with repeated exposure to obstacles. If you lack practice in confronting obstacles (as when you choose to avoid them), one traumatic event can take you down. To underscore this point, developmental research has shown that traumatized children are more, rather than less, likely to be traumatized again. Likewise, those who grow up in tough neighborhoods become weaker, not stronger, and are more likely to struggle in life.
5. Take inspiration and learn from others who have dealt successfully with adversity. There are many inspiring stories of people who overcame seemingly insurmountable odds. They triumphed over their adversities to live successful, productive lives instead of surrendering to it.
Adversity Points to Consider
*The difficult times in life help us appreciate when things are going smoothly.
*Look for the learning opportunities in every adverse situation.
*Decide whether you will allow your experience to make, or break you. Depending upon how you choose to perceive it, it could go either way.
*Be prepared to accept the worst, should it occur. When you have prepared yourself mentally for the worst, it rarely ever happens, and if it does, it seems less so because you are better equipped to handle it.
*Cultivate faith, courage and resilience. The more of these qualities you arm yourself with, the lesser the impact of the adversity.
*Remind yourself that adversity is part of life. To Accept adversity, helps you overcome it.
Overcoming adversity is one of our main challenges in life. When we resolve to confront and overcome it, we become expert at dealing with it and consequently triumph over our day-to-day struggles.
When You Love Yourself, You Let Others Off the Hook
By: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Frequently, when I start to work with a new client, they believe that loving their self is selfish. Nothing could be further from the truth. A more accurate definition of selfish is expecting others to give themselves up and do for you what you can and need to be doing for yourself.
Letting Others Off The Hook
How are others let off the hook when you love yourself? Let us count the ways:
• Others don’t need to read your mind when you are meeting many of your own needs, and asking outright when there is something you need help with.
• Others don’t need to hold back, be careful, or walk on eggshells when you are taking care of your own feelings.
• Others can receive great joy in giving to you when they don’t feel obligated.
• Others can speak their truth when they know that you are open to learning and wanting to grow. They can be honest when they know that you will deal with your own feelings rather than blame them.
• Others are free to take loving care of themselves when they know you are doing the same, and that you support them in their highest good as part of being loving to yourself.
• Others can be spontaneous with you, knowing that if they ‘make a mistake’ you will take responsibility for your own feelings about it.
• Others feel free to be with you because they want to, not because they feel they have to.
• In a primary relationship, your partner will likely feel attracted to you when you are coming from your power rather than from your fear. If your partner feels obligated to have sex with you because you have made him or her responsible for your happiness and sense of worth, your partner is likely to feel resistant to sex with you.
• Laughter, fun and play flow spontaneously when neither person feels responsible for the other’s feelings, or feels obligated to spend time, give approval or have sex.
• Each person feels free to pursue their passion and purpose, knowing that their partner is taking care of themselves and not waiting for the other person to make them happy.
Loving partnerships are about learning, growing, and sharing love and companionship. They are not about taking responsibility for making the other person feel happy, safe, secure or validated.
Paradoxically, when you fully take on the responsibility of making yourself feel happy, safe, secure and validated, a loving relationship supports and enhances these wonderful feelings. But when you expect your partner to do this for you, then your self-abandonment creates your misery, insecurity and lack of self-worth.
As long as you are abandoning yourself and expecting your partner to do for you what only you can do for yourself, your partner’s love will never be enough to give you the happiness, safety, security and sense of worth that you seek.
Loving Yourself Means
• Attending, moment-by-moment, to your own feelings, so that you know immediately when you are abandoning yourself with self-judgment, addictions, staying in your head, or making someone else responsible for you.
• Compassionately opening to learning about your own fears and beliefs that may be causing your self-abandonment, and open to learning about what it means to be present and loving to yourself in the face of life’s challenges.
• Exploring your limiting beliefs and resulting behavior that may be causing your painful feelings.
• Opening to your higher self for information about the truth regarding your beliefs, and the loving action toward yourself.
• Taking loving action in your own behalf, based on truth rather than on false, limiting beliefs.
• Evaluating how you feel as a result of taking loving care of yourself. This is a brief outline of the Six Steps of Inner Bonding, which is a powerful process for learning how to love yourself!
Frequently, when I start to work with a new client, they believe that loving their self is selfish. Nothing could be further from the truth. A more accurate definition of selfish is expecting others to give themselves up and do for you what you can and need to be doing for yourself.
Letting Others Off The Hook
How are others let off the hook when you love yourself? Let us count the ways:
• Others don’t need to read your mind when you are meeting many of your own needs, and asking outright when there is something you need help with.
• Others don’t need to hold back, be careful, or walk on eggshells when you are taking care of your own feelings.
• Others can receive great joy in giving to you when they don’t feel obligated.
• Others can speak their truth when they know that you are open to learning and wanting to grow. They can be honest when they know that you will deal with your own feelings rather than blame them.
• Others are free to take loving care of themselves when they know you are doing the same, and that you support them in their highest good as part of being loving to yourself.
• Others can be spontaneous with you, knowing that if they ‘make a mistake’ you will take responsibility for your own feelings about it.
• Others feel free to be with you because they want to, not because they feel they have to.
• In a primary relationship, your partner will likely feel attracted to you when you are coming from your power rather than from your fear. If your partner feels obligated to have sex with you because you have made him or her responsible for your happiness and sense of worth, your partner is likely to feel resistant to sex with you.
• Laughter, fun and play flow spontaneously when neither person feels responsible for the other’s feelings, or feels obligated to spend time, give approval or have sex.
• Each person feels free to pursue their passion and purpose, knowing that their partner is taking care of themselves and not waiting for the other person to make them happy.
Loving partnerships are about learning, growing, and sharing love and companionship. They are not about taking responsibility for making the other person feel happy, safe, secure or validated.
Paradoxically, when you fully take on the responsibility of making yourself feel happy, safe, secure and validated, a loving relationship supports and enhances these wonderful feelings. But when you expect your partner to do this for you, then your self-abandonment creates your misery, insecurity and lack of self-worth.
As long as you are abandoning yourself and expecting your partner to do for you what only you can do for yourself, your partner’s love will never be enough to give you the happiness, safety, security and sense of worth that you seek.
Loving Yourself Means
• Attending, moment-by-moment, to your own feelings, so that you know immediately when you are abandoning yourself with self-judgment, addictions, staying in your head, or making someone else responsible for you.
• Compassionately opening to learning about your own fears and beliefs that may be causing your self-abandonment, and open to learning about what it means to be present and loving to yourself in the face of life’s challenges.
• Exploring your limiting beliefs and resulting behavior that may be causing your painful feelings.
• Opening to your higher self for information about the truth regarding your beliefs, and the loving action toward yourself.
• Taking loving action in your own behalf, based on truth rather than on false, limiting beliefs.
• Evaluating how you feel as a result of taking loving care of yourself. This is a brief outline of the Six Steps of Inner Bonding, which is a powerful process for learning how to love yourself!
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Detachment
by Karen Casey
To begin with, I think we have to cultivate our willingness to let go, that is, to detach from the trials and tribulations of our contemporaries if we want to find the quiet peace we long for, a peace that will allow us to truly love, to truly embrace, and to appreciate those who journey with us.
In this process, we also give those companions the freedom to grow and to find their own way, thus their own eventual peace too. I don’t think we can come together as loving equals without embracing the willingness to detach.
We live very codependent lives, from my perspective. By this I mean that too many of us let even the whims of others - our families, our communities, our workplaces, even in other parts of the world - define us, determine how we feel, and then decide what we will do next in many instances.
Learning to detach allows us to live the life we were meant to live. By allowing other people’s behavior, good, bad, or disinterested, control us, we miss many opportunities for movement and expression in new directions.
The converse is also true: if we attempt to control the other persons on our path, wherever they may reside, keeping them attached to us through any means (and most of us are very practiced at this), we immobilize them, thus preventing the growth they deserve and have been prepared for already.
Often times we don’t want to detach because we are attached - preoccupied with others as distractions so we don’t have to face ourselves - deal with our own internal issues. We escape from ourselves by focusing on others, not realizing we lose control over our own lives and can’t control the lives of who we focus on.
Detachment isn’t easy. If it were, there would be no need for a book offering to help you develop the skills to do it. And it may not have appeared on your radar screen as something you wanted to cultivate prior to picking up this book.
As was already noted, we are accustomed to being enmeshed with others, letting our lives be constantly influenced by their behavior. I am not suggesting that this influence is always bad; there are good influences too, probably everyday.
We can and do observe healthy “detached” behavior in some of our friends, and perhaps they showed up on our path to serve as our teachers. It’s not always easy to discern the “good” from the “bad,” however. It’s my intent for the meditations here to illustrate those behaviors we want to mimic and those we don’t.
It is my hope that my book, ‘Let Go Now: Embracing Detachment’, will clarify many of your questions about detachment: what it is, how to do it, and how to practice it with others. It’s also my hope that you will give yourself all the time you need to fully absorb the concepts and to develop the skills as outlined.
I didn’t come to appreciate the value of detachment easily, and the idea of embracing it came even later. But the peaceful tenor of my journey today is surely the result of my commitment to practicing and “embracing” detachment at every opportunity.
I believe that every moment of our lives is offering us just such an opportunity. And wherever we are, others are on hand to observe, to reap the benefit of our “practice,” and to carry what they have seen into their own lives.
Pause and Reflect
*Let go of the opinions of others.
*Let go of the effect of your behavior on others.
*Let go of the outcome of your actions and the many situations concerning you and your loved ones.
Take a moment every morning to envision yourself as a self-directed person. Being self-directed does not mean being selfish, nor does it mean ignoring others. Detachment is practiced moment by moment.
It has not been my experience to perfect detachment after only one try. For me, detachment has been similar to seeking God’s will: I have needed to do it every day, many times a day. It’s akin to practicing any new exercise.
It’s not mysterious, really; it just feels unnatural at first. We are inclined to interfere in the business of others, but detachment closes that door. It follows on the heels of a decision, and one that empowers us a tiny bit more every time we make it.
We must be willing to make it, however. If we want to change how life feels, we have to be willing to change an aspect of our behavior because if we continue to do what we have always done, we will most likely continue to experience what we have always
experienced.
Detaching from those people who get under our skin, or from those situations we feel compelled to try to control, is committing to a specific change in behavior. But how do we do it? That’s the niggling question for most of us. But I have some reasonable suggestions.
We detach in steps. The first step is to observe but say nothing. The second step is to say a quiet prayer and then avert our eyes, placing our mind with God and some details of our own life. The third step is to get busy, to move on, and to thank God for giving us the willingness to let others do what they need to do.
All these steps will need repeated practice; at least I have found that to be the case. But each time I have walked myself through them, I have felt empowered and hopeful, and that has made me willing to take the walk the next time too.
One moment at a time is how we live. So it makes sense that we can only detach one moment at a time too. What’s stopping you from trying?
Accountability, ours and others’, is the hallmark of detachment.Letting others be accountable for themselves means we are relinquishing our need to assume responsibility for those actions and situations that clearly are not ours to manage.
The attraction to be overly responsible is so great, however, and what makes it even greater is our lack of trust in any outcome we aren’t part of.Our fear about our future seduces us into thinking that if we could only ensnare our partners in our own very special web, taking responsibility for their lives along with our own, we’d be secure.
But, as I’ve said, we cannot be even moderately responsible and attentive to our own very specific work if we are focusing on the work someone else is here to do. We can work in tandem with others, and in many instances should, but crossing the boundary between us that needs to be honored will eventually imprison us.
Learning how to be accountable is like learning any trait. Most of us aren’t born with a natural inclination for it, but modeling the behavior of those people among us who seem to be peaceful might be one way to learn it.
What we will see, with careful observation, is that letting others be wholly responsible and accountable for themselves appears to make folks feel good. Deciding we want to feel good is one of the most sensible reasons for adopting this practice.
Being accountable builds self-worth. It helps others to be able to trust us. Letting the people around us become accountable is one of the best gifts we can give them. Our doing for others what needs to be done by them will stunt their growth. Let’s not be guilty of that.
Detachment is the way to cultivate peace, one moment at a time.
I claim I want to be peaceful all the time, yet I generally spend some hours every day in a space that’s not particularly peaceful. And it’s always for the same reason: I have placed my attention where it doesn’t belong, on situations that don’t really concern me.
I am drawn like a moth to a flame when my loved ones (sometimes even strangers) are fussing over matters that trouble them. I read the signs and assume I am needed to resolve their problem. Sound familiar?
Turning away seems impossible if the person being affected is someone truly significant to me. But that’s the very time I most need to do so. My primary role in anyone’s life is to witness what their experience is, to offer suggestions only when they are sought, and to pray that all will be well and that the lesson they need is forthcoming.
Each time I can practice any one of these responses, I will discover peace. And as the waves of peace wash over me, I will know, for certain, that I am fulfilling God’s will in that moment.
Peace, however it visits us, feels so good. Wanting to capture it for longer spells is natural, and knowing that we can do so, by making the decision to observe and then turn away from situations that are not ours to resolve, makes the peaceful wave more than a wish. It can become our reality.
To cultivate peace requires us to make some decisions. We need to give up our need to manage anyone else’s life. We decide, instead, to address only those situations that are obviously ours, and then we pray for the willingness to do both.
Those who are hardest to detach from are our best teachers.
I don’t need to remind you that we are serving as teachers and students, interchangeably, all the time. But when we are in the midst of a conflict with someone over how a situation should be managed, we so easily forget those things that have given us strength and peace in the past.
A conflict always means that a teaching and learning opportunity is presenting itself. In most cases, both sides need to detach; both sides can learn as well as teach. And if detachment is explored by one side or the other, both people will gain some moments of peace.
It takes at least two to have a conflict, remember. It’s been my experience that the people I care most about are hardest to detach from. Perhaps I am too invested
emotionally to walk away when I should. But I have learned, with practice, that I can always remain quiet.
I can’t always avoid wanting to respond, wanting to continue the conflict; but I can back off, and that’s more than half the battle. Backing off, or averting our attention, may be the closest thing to peace when first attempted.
It seems our best teachers are no doubt the ones we love the most and also the ones who get under our skin most often. Some would say our meeting was not accidental; our lessons aren’t, either.
Turning a great teacher into our most loved and intimate friend is what this journey is all about, perhaps. That seems sensible to me, anyway. How about to you? Every day someone who crosses our path cries out to be controlled or argued with or judged. Consider them God-sent. They are our teachers, one and all.
Detaching from others is one of the most rewarding and revealing changes we can ever make.
The reason detachment is rewarding is that it gives us so much relief. It allows us to thoroughly relax our bodies and our minds. It makes us feel reborn. And it gives us extra time to play for a change, to plant flowers perhaps, or read books, reconnect with old or new friends, take up painting or weaving or birding. It’s amazing how much free time we have when we remove our attention from the many people and situations that shouldn’t have gotten our attention anyway.
But what does detachment reveal to us? Possibly that is an even more interesting consideration. What I have discovered is that detachment reveals we can live in concert with others, but we don’t have to be in charge of each other or beholden to each other or controlled by each others’ actions, opinions, wishes, or judgments.
Detachment has revealed to me that I am far stronger than I ever thought, more resilient, courageous, creative, independent, and focused.
My sense of self has soared since beginning the practice of detachment, and I know that I have no special powers. What has been true for me will certainly be true for anyone who applies the same effort I have applied.
I don’t want to suggest that making a change of any kind is simple. Committing to the practice of detachment is a big change for most of us. But making any change incrementally is a good beginning. This will work with detachment, one opportunity at a time.
To begin with, I think we have to cultivate our willingness to let go, that is, to detach from the trials and tribulations of our contemporaries if we want to find the quiet peace we long for, a peace that will allow us to truly love, to truly embrace, and to appreciate those who journey with us.
In this process, we also give those companions the freedom to grow and to find their own way, thus their own eventual peace too. I don’t think we can come together as loving equals without embracing the willingness to detach.
We live very codependent lives, from my perspective. By this I mean that too many of us let even the whims of others - our families, our communities, our workplaces, even in other parts of the world - define us, determine how we feel, and then decide what we will do next in many instances.
Learning to detach allows us to live the life we were meant to live. By allowing other people’s behavior, good, bad, or disinterested, control us, we miss many opportunities for movement and expression in new directions.
The converse is also true: if we attempt to control the other persons on our path, wherever they may reside, keeping them attached to us through any means (and most of us are very practiced at this), we immobilize them, thus preventing the growth they deserve and have been prepared for already.
Often times we don’t want to detach because we are attached - preoccupied with others as distractions so we don’t have to face ourselves - deal with our own internal issues. We escape from ourselves by focusing on others, not realizing we lose control over our own lives and can’t control the lives of who we focus on.
Detachment isn’t easy. If it were, there would be no need for a book offering to help you develop the skills to do it. And it may not have appeared on your radar screen as something you wanted to cultivate prior to picking up this book.
As was already noted, we are accustomed to being enmeshed with others, letting our lives be constantly influenced by their behavior. I am not suggesting that this influence is always bad; there are good influences too, probably everyday.
We can and do observe healthy “detached” behavior in some of our friends, and perhaps they showed up on our path to serve as our teachers. It’s not always easy to discern the “good” from the “bad,” however. It’s my intent for the meditations here to illustrate those behaviors we want to mimic and those we don’t.
It is my hope that my book, ‘Let Go Now: Embracing Detachment’, will clarify many of your questions about detachment: what it is, how to do it, and how to practice it with others. It’s also my hope that you will give yourself all the time you need to fully absorb the concepts and to develop the skills as outlined.
I didn’t come to appreciate the value of detachment easily, and the idea of embracing it came even later. But the peaceful tenor of my journey today is surely the result of my commitment to practicing and “embracing” detachment at every opportunity.
I believe that every moment of our lives is offering us just such an opportunity. And wherever we are, others are on hand to observe, to reap the benefit of our “practice,” and to carry what they have seen into their own lives.
Pause and Reflect
*Let go of the opinions of others.
*Let go of the effect of your behavior on others.
*Let go of the outcome of your actions and the many situations concerning you and your loved ones.
Take a moment every morning to envision yourself as a self-directed person. Being self-directed does not mean being selfish, nor does it mean ignoring others. Detachment is practiced moment by moment.
It has not been my experience to perfect detachment after only one try. For me, detachment has been similar to seeking God’s will: I have needed to do it every day, many times a day. It’s akin to practicing any new exercise.
It’s not mysterious, really; it just feels unnatural at first. We are inclined to interfere in the business of others, but detachment closes that door. It follows on the heels of a decision, and one that empowers us a tiny bit more every time we make it.
We must be willing to make it, however. If we want to change how life feels, we have to be willing to change an aspect of our behavior because if we continue to do what we have always done, we will most likely continue to experience what we have always
experienced.
Detaching from those people who get under our skin, or from those situations we feel compelled to try to control, is committing to a specific change in behavior. But how do we do it? That’s the niggling question for most of us. But I have some reasonable suggestions.
We detach in steps. The first step is to observe but say nothing. The second step is to say a quiet prayer and then avert our eyes, placing our mind with God and some details of our own life. The third step is to get busy, to move on, and to thank God for giving us the willingness to let others do what they need to do.
All these steps will need repeated practice; at least I have found that to be the case. But each time I have walked myself through them, I have felt empowered and hopeful, and that has made me willing to take the walk the next time too.
One moment at a time is how we live. So it makes sense that we can only detach one moment at a time too. What’s stopping you from trying?
Accountability, ours and others’, is the hallmark of detachment.Letting others be accountable for themselves means we are relinquishing our need to assume responsibility for those actions and situations that clearly are not ours to manage.
The attraction to be overly responsible is so great, however, and what makes it even greater is our lack of trust in any outcome we aren’t part of.Our fear about our future seduces us into thinking that if we could only ensnare our partners in our own very special web, taking responsibility for their lives along with our own, we’d be secure.
But, as I’ve said, we cannot be even moderately responsible and attentive to our own very specific work if we are focusing on the work someone else is here to do. We can work in tandem with others, and in many instances should, but crossing the boundary between us that needs to be honored will eventually imprison us.
Learning how to be accountable is like learning any trait. Most of us aren’t born with a natural inclination for it, but modeling the behavior of those people among us who seem to be peaceful might be one way to learn it.
What we will see, with careful observation, is that letting others be wholly responsible and accountable for themselves appears to make folks feel good. Deciding we want to feel good is one of the most sensible reasons for adopting this practice.
Being accountable builds self-worth. It helps others to be able to trust us. Letting the people around us become accountable is one of the best gifts we can give them. Our doing for others what needs to be done by them will stunt their growth. Let’s not be guilty of that.
Detachment is the way to cultivate peace, one moment at a time.
I claim I want to be peaceful all the time, yet I generally spend some hours every day in a space that’s not particularly peaceful. And it’s always for the same reason: I have placed my attention where it doesn’t belong, on situations that don’t really concern me.
I am drawn like a moth to a flame when my loved ones (sometimes even strangers) are fussing over matters that trouble them. I read the signs and assume I am needed to resolve their problem. Sound familiar?
Turning away seems impossible if the person being affected is someone truly significant to me. But that’s the very time I most need to do so. My primary role in anyone’s life is to witness what their experience is, to offer suggestions only when they are sought, and to pray that all will be well and that the lesson they need is forthcoming.
Each time I can practice any one of these responses, I will discover peace. And as the waves of peace wash over me, I will know, for certain, that I am fulfilling God’s will in that moment.
Peace, however it visits us, feels so good. Wanting to capture it for longer spells is natural, and knowing that we can do so, by making the decision to observe and then turn away from situations that are not ours to resolve, makes the peaceful wave more than a wish. It can become our reality.
To cultivate peace requires us to make some decisions. We need to give up our need to manage anyone else’s life. We decide, instead, to address only those situations that are obviously ours, and then we pray for the willingness to do both.
Those who are hardest to detach from are our best teachers.
I don’t need to remind you that we are serving as teachers and students, interchangeably, all the time. But when we are in the midst of a conflict with someone over how a situation should be managed, we so easily forget those things that have given us strength and peace in the past.
A conflict always means that a teaching and learning opportunity is presenting itself. In most cases, both sides need to detach; both sides can learn as well as teach. And if detachment is explored by one side or the other, both people will gain some moments of peace.
It takes at least two to have a conflict, remember. It’s been my experience that the people I care most about are hardest to detach from. Perhaps I am too invested
emotionally to walk away when I should. But I have learned, with practice, that I can always remain quiet.
I can’t always avoid wanting to respond, wanting to continue the conflict; but I can back off, and that’s more than half the battle. Backing off, or averting our attention, may be the closest thing to peace when first attempted.
It seems our best teachers are no doubt the ones we love the most and also the ones who get under our skin most often. Some would say our meeting was not accidental; our lessons aren’t, either.
Turning a great teacher into our most loved and intimate friend is what this journey is all about, perhaps. That seems sensible to me, anyway. How about to you? Every day someone who crosses our path cries out to be controlled or argued with or judged. Consider them God-sent. They are our teachers, one and all.
Detaching from others is one of the most rewarding and revealing changes we can ever make.
The reason detachment is rewarding is that it gives us so much relief. It allows us to thoroughly relax our bodies and our minds. It makes us feel reborn. And it gives us extra time to play for a change, to plant flowers perhaps, or read books, reconnect with old or new friends, take up painting or weaving or birding. It’s amazing how much free time we have when we remove our attention from the many people and situations that shouldn’t have gotten our attention anyway.
But what does detachment reveal to us? Possibly that is an even more interesting consideration. What I have discovered is that detachment reveals we can live in concert with others, but we don’t have to be in charge of each other or beholden to each other or controlled by each others’ actions, opinions, wishes, or judgments.
Detachment has revealed to me that I am far stronger than I ever thought, more resilient, courageous, creative, independent, and focused.
My sense of self has soared since beginning the practice of detachment, and I know that I have no special powers. What has been true for me will certainly be true for anyone who applies the same effort I have applied.
I don’t want to suggest that making a change of any kind is simple. Committing to the practice of detachment is a big change for most of us. But making any change incrementally is a good beginning. This will work with detachment, one opportunity at a time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)