Getting in Touch With Your Authentic Self

by Joseph Wilner

Early in life there was a time when you exposed your authentic self and were scolded, berated, and belittled for any number of reasons. You were told “don’t do that” and “you’re bad,” all for being who we really are; a person expressing your feelings, emotions, and desires. 

This reprimanding leads us to respond with shame and guilt about who we are as a person. We blame ourselves for others emotional distress, and we lose touch with our true self. We become unable to express ourselves and experience emotions because we learned to believe it was wrong. 

We now only feel comfortable projecting a false imagine that we hope will be accepted and respected by others. I have been really focused on enhancing positive emotions in my own and other peoples’ lives, assuming this would be the remedy to help people find greater life-satisfaction. 

I do feel this is immensely important and having more positive emotions is an empirically proven route to greater well-being and life-satisfaction, though at the same time we must also deal with core issues of our self-identity if we are ever to feel heartfelt positivity. 

If you feel out of touch with the person you are meant to be, and don’t believe you’re following the right path, this post is for you. Here is how the process unfolds to connect with your authentic self.

Self-Splitting

If you’re out of touch with your authentic self, realizing this incongruence is the first step. The false self is who we project to the world in an attempt to protect us from any sort of emotional pain. 

If you notice that you shut down from fear of rejection and failure there is healing that needs to take place. In this stage we view ourselves as flawed and defective because we aren’t perfect. Learning to accept our imperfections and knowing we can’t please everyone is a major part of coming to grips with this incongruence. 

Be aware of your behavior in this stage, when the self is divided addictions and compulsive behavior will be prominent. We will do anything to remove the pain of not being good enough, and attempt to fill this void with work, alcohol, sex, and other drugs. Of course, these only exacerbate the problem and lead to more guilt and shame. We need to look inside ourselves for the answer.

Self-Reunion

Eventually we must face our demons and confront our limitations in order to get in touch with our authentic self. We need to gain awareness into the source of our split identity and come to grips with how this impacts our behavior and beliefs. Getting in touch with our “shadow” and uncovering the external idealizations we connect with is essential to ever be truly whole. 

The roles and responsibilities we hold in life are not our true being, particularly if you have no intrinsic motivation and personal connection to what you do for a living. This is just a role that was followed in order to mask pain and feel better about shame and guilt from the past. 

We may say to ourselves, “If I become a doctor or lawyer or (insert any profession), I will be worthy.” “If I have money I will be okay.” “As long as I have this relationship things will be fine.” 

Coming to grips with this does not mean we have chosen the wrong path and must change course, but it offers an opportunity to explore what we assume will make us whole and happy. If your soul is damaged, external success and relationships will not heal this wound. It must come from within.

Self-Acceptance

This can be very difficult for many people. On the surface they smile and tell themselves everything’s okay, but underneath they are teeming with past regrets and unresolved anger and shame. 

We must learn to deal with these troubling sources while we continue to reorganize our life for greater fulfillment and happiness. 

I am a major proponent of having more positive emotions in life, though learning to get in touch with our authentic self requires that we experience and accept a full range of emotions, including anger, fear, and sadness. 

I have spent a great deal of time trying to neutralize these emotions only to feel more agitation and frustration from their inevitable return. They are natural and we must learn to accept them. This is the same for our limitations and weaknesses. 

We are not fully human without these feelings and imperfections, and until we accept our human nature healing is only superficial. No one is perfect, and being able to embrace our imperfections means:

*Not having to always please others

*Be willing to make mistakes and take responsibility

*Accepting those things that weren’t our fault

*Knowing we are not responsible for how others feel

*Being able to say “no” and be assertive

We can love ourselves unconditionally by realizing that despite our behavior which is not going to be perfect, we are still worthy of love and respect. Once we connect with this source of love our behavior often changes and healing can take place more naturally.

Self-Worth and Self-Trust

From self-acceptance comes self-esteem and self-confidence. We can begin to believe that we are worthy of good things and that we are capable of getting what we desire in life. This is about coming to the realization that we are a “10” underneath our layers of addiction, anger, and isolation. 

We have to get in touch with this authentic self, the one who is okay with feeling all range of emotions and who can choose to respond to these emotions in a healthy way. 

Who is willing to try and fail, and risk being vulnerable in order to love. Having self-worth and self-trust will lead us to stretch ourselves to do more and try more and start to believe in the vast potential we hold. We will no longer simply live life to avoid shame and guilt, but will live life from courage, spirituality, and love. 

Use the pain you have experienced in life as a way of gaining self-understanding and transcending closer to your spiritual nature. We are not our life roles or profession, nor are we what others tell us we are. We are plain and simple one with the source of life.

Bringing Clarity About the Unrealistic Perfect Mate Notion

"No other person on this planet was made for you.

They were made for themselves.

Love is all about choices.

No one is going to be perfect for you

and I think,

we need to stop raising everyone on the belief,

that someone out there,

just one other person in the whole world,

was 'made for you.

Because it isn’t true.

No one is made for you,

besides YOU.

Other people belong to themselves.

If you want to make it work with someone,

it’s about hard work, understanding, compassion,

communication, and choice."

- Anon.

Stop Drowning in Stress and Anxiety

by Jennifer Heflin

I heaved my chest in exhaustion - I am so stressed and everyone is driving me insane! There is only one me  and with three children, a husband, a myriad of animal companions, cleaning, laundry, carpooling, building a business…blah, blah, blah…I could go on and on but you get it.

Everyone has their own story. And let’s be honest. The stress factors above are the easy part of the game. These are the aspects of life in which you’re coasting compared to the underlying anxiety we feel about the not-mentioned-in-polite-conversation issues, which are truly the bane of our existence. 

I’m referring to the deep resentment, fear, and confusion felt as a result of hardship involving finances, illness, relationships, parenting and so on. And this pressure and worry can easily become a default state of being. We’ve become so used to it that we don’t even know we are weighed down by deadlines, expectations, fear and worry which slowly erode our body, mind, and spirit.

We believe that someone or something outside of ourselves holds the key to our peace of mind. You see, there is a generally accepted belief that our stress occurs because of other people and circumstances. 

Meaning, most of us think that our emotional state is controlled by something outside of ourselves  usually other people’s behavior and circumstances:

*If he would change his behavior, I would feel better.

*If they would react differently, I would be happy.

*If I had more fill-in-the-blank, I would finally find peace.

*If I had less fill-in-the-blank, I wouldn’t be so anxious.

And that is the essence of the stress feedback loop which holds us prisoner in an anxiety-riddled state of being. So, let me pull back the curtain on that ferris wheel of misery and I say this from my own personal experience with it  unless you choose a different perspective you are not getting off!

What I’ve discovered is that stress is a result of us not living with a greater purpose; not being aligned with the innate intelligence or internal compass which will always guide us in the best and highest direction if we would only allow it.

To really understand this concept, it’s important to know that there is more than one aspect of self. For simplification purposes, there is:

*Innate intelligence  - Aspect of self which is eternal and all-knowing.

*Ego -  Aspect of self which keeps us focused in physical reality.

The fly in the ointment comes in when the ego takes on more than it was meant to handle. When the ego is overworking itself trying to figure everything out, control, manipulate, and coerce, it becomes the dreaded 'Negative Ego'.

You can think of the negative ego as the monkey mind or the heckler in your head, constantly harassing you with all that is wrong. When that is the predominant voice speaking to you, you have fallen out of alignment with your innate intelligence and are usually knee-deep in stress.

What are the qualities of being aligned with the negative ego?

*You feel dissatisfied, disinterested and without passion.

*You hold onto grudges convinced you are a victim of other people’s behavior and/or circumstance.

*You take life personally as if everyone is out to get you.

*Life feels chaotic and painful.

*No matter how hard you work or what you do, you cannot find a way to feel the way you want to feel.

The exit ramp for the negative feedback loop of disempowerment is to practice quieting the negative ego by focusing on your purpose and realigning with the innate intelligence within.

What are the qualities of being aligned with the divine intelligence within?

*You are at peace regardless of outer circumstances.

*You are fully trusting the flow of life.

*Open to what is coming your way.

*You can participate in life without needing to control it.

*You are fulfilled by less and not desperately craving more.

When you begin to practice this on a regular basis  that is, find yourself in the negative feedback loop, pivot to align with your innate intelligence, and observe as your experience morphs into peace and ease  you will see what I mean.

You begin to surf the waves of life more effortlessly, rather than becoming trapped in the break and thrown around by the chaos and confusion.

You will quickly become the master which we are all designed to be. This is our destiny. No one is exempt from this divine right of peace and joy. Just choose it.

Spiritual Intelligence: Living As Your Higher Self

by Cindy Wigglesworth

Who are your spiritual heroes those people you would think of as exemplary human beings? And what characteristics do you admire in them? When I ask people these questions, they cite similar characteristics time and again. We tend to admire people who have high integrity and are courageous, loving, calm, visionary, selfless, inspiring, and making a difference. 

Think about this for yourself. Make your own list of those you consider to be especially noble, and why. This is a great starting point for becoming an exemplar yourself. I have found that the great majority of people want to live as their noblest self. And achieving this requires understanding and developing multiple “intelligences,” including spiritual intelligence.

Spiritual intelligence is an essential component of both personal and professional development. With SQ we access the voice of our noblest self our higher self and let it drive our lives.

Personal and spiritual growth can no longer be viewed as a private journey we undertake in a different sphere of life than our professional endeavors. There is, in my experience, an undeniable connection between the personal and the professional, between the inner life of the self and the outer world of effectiveness and impact. In other words, your personal development changes you. And who you are ultimately determines how you lead.

We are all leaders and role models regardless of our jobs. We are leaders to our children, to our coworkers, and to everyone we interact with. Deep, authentic leadership requires that we lead ourselves first. We do the spiritual weightlifting to develop a deep inner self-awareness and compassion for the world around us. And we put in the effort required to make a difference in the world. We build the multiple intelligences we need: cognitive or mental intelligence (IQ) and the related technical skills of our craft; emotional intelligence (EQ), or good interpersonal skills; physical intelligence (PQ), or good body management; and spiritual intelligence (SQ).

Most people are familiar with the term IQ, which is our classical mental intelligence (mathematical and verbal). And more and more have heard of EQ or emotional intelligence, thanks to the pioneering work of Daniel Goleman and Richard Boyatzis. PQ may not be a familiar term, but it is a foundational skill we all practice every day. Put very simply, when we don’t take care of our bodies, everything else suffers. I define PQ as “body awareness and skillful use.” A simple example of poor PQ is allowing yourself to be continually sleep-deprived. Mental, emotional, and spiritual functioning diminishes along with stamina and health.

The least familiar of these four intelligences is SQ, but I believe we may come to find that it is the most critical as we navigate the choppy waters of our current times. It builds on EQ and takes us to the next level.

I define spiritual intelligence (SQ) as: The ability to behave with wisdom and compassion, while maintaining inner and outer peace, regardless of the situation. I have researched 21 measurable “skills” or “competencies” that are components of this ability. These include things like “awareness of one’s own worldview,” “complexity of inner thought,” “awareness of interconnectedness of life,” “keeping your Higher Self in charge,” and “being a wise and effective change agent.” Unlike many spiritual teachings, which can tend to seem vague or mysterious, these tangible skills can be learned through practice and developed through clearly-defined levels.

Some people argue that spirituality is innate to each one of us something we already are, not something we develop. And I agree. We are all born as spiritual beings. But just as a child with musical ability will never be highly “musically intelligent” if she does not learn music theory and practice playing an instrument, so it is with spiritual intelligence. We must understand the basics of “spiritual theory” and practice the skills to become spiritually intelligent.

The 21 skills of SQ are not new. In fact, they are as old as the spiritual impulse in human consciousness. I arrived at this skills-based model by stepping back from the particular religious or philosophical belief systems and considering the traits that are common to spiritual exemplars yet “a step beyond” EQ or IQ.

I feel that many of us, especially leaders in organizations, have been held back by the lack of a safe, diversity-friendly way to address the skills we need to develop. We need a skills-based language to help us tap the innate drive to nobility in ourselves and then share the benefits of this growth in our workplaces and in society.

SQ development boils down to this: We move from immature ego-driven behaviors to more mature higher self-driven behaviors. How do we do that? We develop the ability to hear the voice of our higher self, to understand and transcend the voice of our ego, and to be guided by deep wisdom and compassion. IQ and EQ support us as we develop the skillful means to deploy our noblest intention. The ego matures and nuanced forms of more effective leadership develop. With more SQ comes less drama and more impact.

Here’s one quick tip you can practice right away: Learn to be quiet. In the stillness you can observe deeply. Notice when your body and mind are agitated. Hear the voice of your ego and its fears. Love your ego it is valuable. But know that it is also a drama queen. It needs guidance and balance. Hold your noble heroes in mind and ask your higher self for guidance. What is the wise and compassionate action to take today in this situation? What is in the highest and best interest of all players including me, my co-workers, friends, family, company, society, and the planet? From this quiet place, you can act with SQ.

Spiritual intelligence is critical for personal growth and authentic leadership. The community, family, global and business leaders of the future will be those who are quickest to recognize this fact and begin to measure and cultivate the skills of spiritual intelligence in themselves and their organizations.