Early in life there was a time when you exposed your
authentic self and were scolded, berated, and belittled for any number of
reasons. You were told “don’t do that” and “you’re bad,” all for being who we
really are; a person expressing your feelings, emotions, and desires.
This
reprimanding leads us to respond with shame and guilt about who we are as a
person. We blame ourselves for others emotional distress, and we lose touch
with our true self. We become unable to express ourselves and experience
emotions because we learned to believe it was wrong.
We now only feel
comfortable projecting a false imagine that we hope will be accepted and
respected by others. I have been really focused on enhancing positive emotions
in my own and other peoples’ lives, assuming this would be the remedy to help
people find greater life-satisfaction.
I do feel this is immensely important
and having more positive emotions is an empirically proven route to greater
well-being and life-satisfaction, though at the same time we must also deal
with core issues of our self-identity if we are ever to feel heartfelt
positivity.
If you feel out of touch with the person you are meant to be, and
don’t believe you’re following the right path, this post is for you. Here is
how the process unfolds to connect with your authentic self.
Self-Splitting
If
you notice that you shut down from fear of rejection and failure there is
healing that needs to take place. In this stage we view ourselves as flawed and
defective because we aren’t perfect. Learning to accept our imperfections and
knowing we can’t please everyone is a major part of coming to grips with this
incongruence.
Be aware of your behavior in this stage, when the self is divided
addictions and compulsive behavior will be prominent. We will do anything to
remove the pain of not being good enough, and attempt to fill this void with
work, alcohol, sex, and other drugs. Of course, these only exacerbate the
problem and lead to more guilt and shame. We need to look inside ourselves for
the answer.
Self-Reunion
Eventually we must face our demons and confront our
limitations in order to get in touch with our authentic self. We need to gain
awareness into the source of our split identity and come to grips with how
this impacts our behavior and beliefs. Getting in touch with our “shadow” and
uncovering the external idealizations we connect with is essential to ever be
truly whole.
The roles and responsibilities we hold in life are not our true
being, particularly if you have no intrinsic motivation and personal connection
to what you do for a living. This is just a role that was followed in order to
mask pain and feel better about shame and guilt from the past.
We may say to
ourselves, “If I become a doctor or lawyer or (insert any profession), I will
be worthy.” “If I have money I will be okay.” “As long as I have this
relationship things will be fine.”
Coming to grips with this does not mean we
have chosen the wrong path and must change course, but it offers an opportunity
to explore what we assume will make us whole and happy. If your soul is
damaged, external success and relationships will not heal this wound. It must
come from within.
Self-Acceptance
This can be very difficult for many people. On the
surface they smile and tell themselves everything’s okay, but underneath they
are teeming with past regrets and unresolved anger and shame.
We must learn to
deal with these troubling sources while we continue to reorganize our life for
greater fulfillment and happiness.
I am a major proponent of having more
positive emotions in life, though learning to get in touch with our authentic
self requires that we experience and accept a full range of emotions, including
anger, fear, and sadness.
I have spent a great deal of time trying to
neutralize these emotions only to feel more agitation and frustration from
their inevitable return. They are natural and we must learn to accept them.
This is the same for our limitations and weaknesses.
We are not fully human
without these feelings and imperfections, and until we accept our human nature
healing is only superficial. No one is perfect, and being able to embrace our
imperfections means:
*Not having to always please others
*Be willing to make mistakes and take responsibility
*Accepting those things that weren’t our fault
*Knowing we are not responsible for how others feel
*Being able to say “no” and be assertive
We can love ourselves unconditionally by realizing that
despite our behavior which is not going to be perfect, we are still worthy of
love and respect. Once we connect with this source of love our behavior often
changes and healing can take place more naturally.
Self-Worth and Self-Trust
From self-acceptance comes self-esteem and self-confidence.
We can begin to believe that we are worthy of good things and that we are capable
of getting what we desire in life. This is about coming to the realization that
we are a “10” underneath our layers of addiction, anger, and isolation.
We have
to get in touch with this authentic self, the one who is okay with feeling all
range of emotions and who can choose to respond to these emotions in a healthy
way.
Who is willing to try and fail, and risk being vulnerable in order to
love. Having self-worth and self-trust will lead us to stretch ourselves to do
more and try more and start to believe in the vast potential we hold. We will
no longer simply live life to avoid shame and guilt, but will live life from
courage, spirituality, and love.
Use the pain you have experienced in life as a
way of gaining self-understanding and transcending closer to your spiritual
nature. We are not our life roles or profession, nor are we what others tell us
we are. We are plain and simple one with the source of life.
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